Thought I’d get some thoughts and feelings down on paper, so to speak, regarding the first impressions of the course, my progress, my reasons for being here, the tasks and anything else that comes up. Well, probably more of the anything-else-that-comes-up bit.
Monday 14th March
First thing’s first: I am loving it.
It’s such a great feeling to get my teeth into something that has been with me for years, and that has always motivated and inspired me. Surprisingly though, the decision to study photography was an alarmingly quick thing. I didn’t dither around debating the pros and cons, I just knew that I wanted to do this. I mean, how lucky can you be? What can be better than formally studying something you love and that has been your hobby for years?
I think that that is a very important and pertinent point; there’s no pressure to impress anyone, I’m not doing this to build a career, or to get employment (at least from where I currently am in life, as I am very lucky to already be successfully self-employed). No, there’s something else at work here.
Something else prompted me to take on this gorgeous commitment as I cruise steadily through the calm waters of middle age: a realization that at this junction of my life, things are becoming finite.
Time no longer seems an enduring and abstract thing out there; It now feels ephemeral, and quite real and even physical to me in a weird kind of way; it’s very much present, and tangible notwithstanding its transitory nature. It was this sensation that pushed me to become more active, to return to being a learner again.
To be perfectly frank, I was tired of procrastinating through the years, doing what I had always done, with that niggling feeling in the back of my head that I should be doing something more. There was nothing bad with what I had been doing, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that I felt that I was going through the motions, just plodding on, as we say. I was spending too much time watching Netflix, and playing video games, reading silly books, and vaguely staring into a monitor collecting snippets of nothingness and a blunting of my senses.
Seeing time as finite, at least on a personally level, (I am sure that ‘time’ as we can understand it doesn’t even mean anything to the Universe), brought me to the assumption that it was time to fill my time with some worthwhile and gratifying events. Not that having a family is a negative thing, I might add: it’s the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me by a long shot. Or that being a qualified teacher and teacher trainer is not a gratifying and rewarding occupation, far from it. I am incredibly lucky to have such an amazing job, and I hope I can keep on doing it till I can do it no longer.
No, by ‘worthwhile and gratifying events’, I simply meant that I wanted to add some more beauty to my life. But hang on, wait, doesn’t that sound incredibly egocentric or rather narcissistic of me? Yes, I suppose it does, and I suppose that that is actually what it is.
I feel it’s time to wake from this slumber, kick myself up the backside and take life by its horns instead of watching it slide by so startlingly fast whilst whispering sweet nothings in my ears. For christ’s sakes, I’m so ridiculously lucky to have been born in the ‘developed’ world, how perverse is it that we don’t at least try to develop ourselves further?
Well, I’m working on that.